1. Why should married couples pray together?

Prayer is one on the most powerful tools/weapons married couples have to strengthen their marital union, increase their walk with God and stand against evil forces. Further, it helps to put a spiritual hedge around the marriage, increases intimacy between spouses and with God, and provides an regular opportunity to renew/ strengthen the spiritual journey that couples began at the altar. I believe it also increases transparency in marriage. The process, however, will test couples commitment, spirituality, patience, humility and courage. Additionally, married couples are praying in the power of oneness. Gen 2:23-24 and Eph 5:31 talk about how the two have become one flesh. Regular prayer continues to strengthen the one flesh bond. Praying together also eases the martial journey. Amos (3:3) wrote to the people in the northern part of Israel saying ‘How can two walk together unless they agree.’ This implies to walk in harmony with one another they must come into agreement. This puzzles a lot of people because even in the best marriages, two people are not going to agree on everything all of the time.

This passage does not imply that both parties must always agree with a particular decision, it just means that they agree how to move forward, often with one agreeing to yield to the decision/ opinion of the other. Mt 18:19-20 Says ‘that if two of you on earth agree about anything (re: a judicial matter but not selfish or foolish requests) you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.’ There is power in agreement! When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were in the fiery furnace (Dan 3) God was with them and no harm came to them. This has powerful implications for married couples!

2. How can prayer draw couples closer together?

How does praying together help couples grow closer together? First of all, the need to pray presents itself frequently. The daily issues of life often propel couples to come together for prayer as does, at times, conflict between them. As they do so, it helps to increase the spiritual bond, promoting heart to heart sharing and intimacy, thereby supporting increased functioning in other areas. For example, in some empirical research on marital satisfaction, findings indicated that ‘the happiest couples are couples who pray together and they are also twice as likely as those who don’t pray as much to describe their marriages as highly romantic.’ (Drs Les and Leslie Parrott, Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University.)

Other research measuring religious life and marriage found that couples who actively practiced their faith together and viewed marriage inspirationally tended to be happier, worked more as a team and enjoyed less conflict than those who did not (Mahoney, Pargament et al from Bowling Green State University). So April, you might ask, “What is it about praying together that fosters these types of findings?” Well let’s take a look at Adam and Eve. In their pre-fallen state, I believe they had the most intimate relationship known to man. They were completely naked before God and each other.

This is not just a reference to physical nakedness but that they were completely transparent and vulnerable to one another with no hidden agendas. Jesus came that we might have life and that more abundantly. That abundant life allows us to return to the nakedness without shame. When we can be transparent and vulnerable (in a good way) with our spouses and God, it promotes a high level of intimacy, thereby allowing couples to flow in the one flesh design.

3. How can couples pray together?

There is no right or wrong way for couples to pray together. The important thing is that they do it. Some options for praying as a couple are kneeling side-by-side, holding hands while seated on a love seat or sofa, and standing face-to-face while holding hands. Couples can also pray driving down the street, on an airplane, in a restaurant or wherever and whenever they feel lead to do so. Sometimes praying in public is awkward. However, it is still appropriate. Sometime it is appropriate to pray out load and sometimes it is more appropriate to pray silently.

4. What advice would you give to someone who felt uncomfortable praying with their spouse?

I don’t think it’s uncommon for couples who have not made it a habit of praying together to feel uncomfortable doing so especially at the beginning. Praying with a spouse can make one feel quite vulnerable. It is quite amazing the intensity something like this can promote. I can only imagine that for Adam and Eve, talking with God after they had sinned felt horrible, so much so that they hid and started blaming each other, something they had never done in their entire life. Hmmmm, actually, what couples are experiencing here is a high level of vulnerability and transparency. Sometimes this level of vulnerability is as hard on couples as having a physical relationship with the lights on! If you think back to what happened in the garden, Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed, but once they sinned, they experienced the effects of shame. Today, we still experience those effects in many ways. For example, if couples attempt to pray together and they have unresolved issues, their prayers will be hindered because they are not on one accord and one or the other is not fully transparent and often distracted or irritated.

5. What are the benefits of praying with your spouse?

There are many benefits of praying together. First, couples can jointly receive answers and wisdom from God. Praying together and listening for the voice of God will yield answers and promote agreement as God is not the author of confusion. And, there is power in agreement. Second, it allows you to regularly cast your cares on God allowing Him to make your pathway straight and keeping our dependency on Him, not circumstances, situations or pressuring our spouse. Third, it keeps the three-fold cord (Eccel 4:12, Godhusband-wife implied) strong. Couple prayer fortifies the relationship and strengthens the couple’s spiritual armor.

I encourage couples to pray together daily, and not just when they need something from God. Denis Rainey reports that surveys from FamilyLife Marriage Conferences indicate that less than 8% of married couples pray together regularly and perhaps less than 5% of Christian couples do so daily. He further believes that if couples practiced daily prayer, 99.9% of them would never divorce! We know that Jesus, as our earthly example, spent much time in prayer and receiving instructions from the Father. We must also not forget that prayer directly and indirectly protects us from the enemy on the prowl, like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. He has been attacking marriage covenants since the garden in Genesis. No one, including spiritual leaders, are immune.

6. Is this something God has specifically called us to do?

There are a number of scriptures that support God’s call for us to pray regularly either individually of collectively. There are times when one spouse should pray individually for the other and perhaps without their knowledge, but I do think that praying together is essential. Among the supporting scriptures are: (I Thess 5:17) In Paul’s letter to the church at Thessalonica he tells them to ‘pray without ceasing.’ (Luke 18:1) Jesus told His disciples that they should ‘always pray and not faint.’ (Eph 6:18) Paul wrote this to the church at Ephesus. ‘And pray in the Spirit, on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.’ ( James 5:13-18) … verses on the praying the prayer of faith.

7. What steps can couples make to ease into praying together?

That’s a really good question, April, because sometimes it’s not enough for couples to say “Ok let’s just get started.” Some couples will need to ease into it. They can start by praying side-by-side silently, while holding hands. Or, if this is too intense, they can do so without holding hands. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book entitled Covenant Marriage suggests something called conversational prayer. This approach suggests that couples choose one subject at a time, each take turns praying a sentence or two about that subject, then move to the next topic. Another approach is to get a book of prayers and take turns reading one of the prayers aloud. Couples might also begin by praying in a group or with some close, trusted friends.

8. Are there any Bible studies or books you recommend for couples who want to pray together?

There are a lot of great books available for married couples. Some of them are specific to prayer and others are included in titles on marriage strengthening. Among them are:

• Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman
• Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman, Stanley and Blumberg
• Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans
• Powerful Prayers for Your Marriage by David and Heather Kopp
• Prayers for the Journey for Marriage by FreemansSmith, LLC
• Prayers to Bless Your Marriage by Kay Aurthur
• Praying Through the Deeper Issues in Marriage by Stormie Omartian
• Two Hearts Praying As One by Dennis & Barbara Rainey